How can I help a child when the parent doesn't seem to care?

[cdrutledge1977]

Before I begin, let me give a little background information about myself and the party in question.

I am 31 years old and work as a Business Analyst and Project Manager for an insurance company. I was educated at a Top 50 university. I am right now going for my Masters in Management at an online (accredited) institution. I am also not a teacher (but I have seriously considered seeking a college-level teaching position / professorship once I finish my masters). Additionally, at the age of 3 I was reading and doing math at several grade levels above my age. This was not because I was some form of genius. It was because I had family at home who read to me and did things with me to make sure that I was well prepared for school. (Please note, I am not mentioning this out of some need for self gratification but rather because it is relevant in comparison to the primary subject of this message).

The party in question would be my sister-in-law and two nephews-in-law (I do not mention the brother-in-law because he works two jobs and about 100 hours a week to support his family. In as such, the mother bears the brunt of the responsibility in raising their children). The older nephew, “Adam”, will be 7 in July and the younger, “Brian”, will be 4 in October (NOTE: these are not their real names).

“Adam”, the 7 year old is having educational issues. He has just finished repeating Kindergarten (yes, he was held back in Kindergarten) and will be starting the first grade in the fall. Unfortunately, his reading and arithmetic skills are still at a pre-K level (as per his final progress report of the year – despite concerns expressed about his readiness to enter the 1st grade, the school will not hold him back another year). The child has no diagnosed learning disability. It is also somewhat obvious that this kid can think because he is already quite devious in committing mischief (such as breaking things, stealing from purses, putting things in car gas tanks, etc…). Though, his biggest weakness is a mother who doesn’t seem to act as though she cares.

Unfortunately, these nephews have a mother who would rather blame the school system for the problem her school-aged son is having. However, she ignores the problems caused by her inaction. This is a mother who basically did nothing to discipline Adam until he was about 5 and entered Kindergarten. Before that, she would literally let him get away with anything – including stealing (money, wallets, etc...) and breaking things (without any offer to replace to item or items broken). Along these same lines, she never did anything to help educate Adam. My fiancée and I, along with others, would tell her that she needed to start doing things with her sons to develop fundamentals BEFORE her children got to school. However, she failed to act and now decides to blame the school system and decides to call Adam “dumb” (for which there have been several arguments and condemnations). And, to make matters worse, her youngest son, “Brian”, will be entering pre-K this fall. Mind you, she has displayed the same level on inaction and apathy with Brian’s education that she displayed with Adam.

My fiancée and I have tried to help. We have provided them with the complete Hooked on Phonics set for Pre-K, Kindergarten and 1st grade as well as other educational games and materials to provide some tools to help with Adam’s and Brian’s education. When we would take them for the night from time to time, as much as they would want to watch TV and play video games, we would make sure the TV was off and have reading time. Brian (the youngest) wouldn’t even be able to play alphabet games. Adam would have immense trouble reading pre-K learning material and wouldn’t retain information. We would relay this information to the mother who would seem more upset that we didn’t let the kids have fun than the fact that her children are way behind in their education.


So, that is the situation. Now, what can I do? I do not want my nephews to struggle with school for their entire lives. I certainly do not want them held back in grade level again (I can only begin to imagine how the oldest would be tormented by being, BY FAR, the oldest child in his class). I have thought about bringing them to a Sylvan learning center to get evaluated so I can provide the mother, my soon-to-be sister-in-law, with expert evaluations about what needs to happen so her sons can progress. I don’t know what other educational tools I can purchase as I have gotten just about anything they have for their age range (yes, I likely over purchased, but I was trying to get something that would work). Honestly, I have even thought of (and actually been advised to) calling Children and Family Services because I truly feel that the apathy expressed towards the education of these children is criminal and abusive. However, that is an approach my fiancée would not allow.

Any advice on how to help a child when their parent just doesn’t seem to care?

Thank you for your time.

Sit back and try not to grimace too much as you watch the train wreck. This is sort of anti-advice, but there really isn't an educational or tutoring option that can compensate for a behavior problem. If you keep trying to solve this problem then the mother will turn on you and family gatherings will turn ugly.

Hang in there. Try to see this experience as a lesson in how you will not raise your own kids.

You are a great Aunt! My nephew is also totally un-disciplined, repeating kindergarten, and I bought him the Hooked on Phonics program. My brother only plays video games with him (violent, non-educational). His mother (divorced from my brother) focuses on her first son from a previous boyfriend.

It's a messed-up situation. When my nephew comes to my parents house, my mom feeds him junk food all day long. He has no rules, no discipline, no teaching. Everyone in the household thinks it is okay to spoil him rotten. So confused! Why is this a good thing?

My nephew can shoot a toy gun, blow things up in video games, and throw temper tantrums. He demands for things and gets them.

What is wrong with this picture? Like the comment before, I guess we just have to sit by and watch the downward spiral of many young kids become spoiled, uneducated brats. Scary future generation!

There is no good solution, and you are probably already doing what I am going to suggest. Subtly tell your nephew he's smart, if you are ever watching him, and he does something devious like putting something in your gas tank, while disciplining him, after telling him what he did was wrong and such, either turn to your fiance in front of the kid and say, "wow, he must be pretty smart to have known how to do that on his own, imagine if he enjoyed reading how successful he could be" Or something of that nature. Do not let your nephew call himself stupid. I did this with a kid that I used to babysit with quite a bit of success. He told me that he couldn't read very well (I knew how often he heard that he was dumb), and I told him, "yeah right, I've seen you read, you help your little sister do... or read me a recipe", and he insisted and asked for help, this does not usually happen with kids of his age, he was about 7 then, I took out my Bible, b/c it was the only book I had with me, and he read outloud to me. He did better than I expected him. And when his mom got home, I complimented him on it in front of her. And continued to compliment him. His parents NEVER worked with him. I did not babysit often enough for me to make a real impact, except for to dispell what he had been told about being stupid. He is flourishing. Talk about education in a positive way, talk about reading as if he should be excited, because of all the ways he'll be able to use it. Just be positive about learning, and about his intelligence. Foster the good things, and other than telling him things that are blatantly wrong, pay no attention to the bad things, as he is not your child and you could cause trouble with your family if you stepped in too much.